Tyrone

His constant taunting, teasing, misleading inuendos…

…and me with 32 days.

I heart him anyway. /sigh

Poot!

My father, while being a fine upstanding member of society as well as a wonderful father and husband, is possibly the foulest man on earth. Let me elaborate…

Men enjoy farting. I think it is genetically programmed for the male of our species to take delight and humor in anything exiting the anus in the form of an odd-sounding and unpleasant smelling gas. They just can’t help it.

While I have found humor in this once or twice, ok maybe I’ll admit to taking great humor in farting on my friends a couple times, (Truth: Pretty girls do fart.) I’ve never plotted out strategic maneuvers to publically expose the gas in my anus, intoxicating those around me, for my own amusement.

My father does just that. He takes great pleasure in sneaking up behind my mother, me or any random unsuspecting female and planting one, walking away and then laughing silently to himself as all the other women in the store glace over with great disgust thinking that it was the gas released by the poor victim of another “Daddy Fart Bomb”. After years of this occurring I have developed lighting-fast ninja reflexes to make a quick “gross-face” and point at the nearest old woman present. While I know that is rude, we have to face the facts here, old people fart more. Most of my female readers will agree that it is easy to blame the elderly for random and unexplained odors.

Another thing my father takes great pleasure in is the meat case at Costco. Imagine, you are shopping for a beautiful package of hamburger or steaks and “BAM” a green cloud of stench invades your nostrils. Shopping experience officially ruined.

If I recall correctly, when I was a small child and my brother was a much smaller and whinier child, my father once held my brother down and farted on him. While this would be considered child abuse in some households apparently my father finds this a gesture of male bonding. My brother on the other hand threw up. I laughed safely from my “quick-escape-spot” on the other end of the room.

Now that my brother is in his early twenties I have found that this fetish is apparently genetic within the Y chromosome. I have made it a point to avoid all family outings that involve my father, my brother and any consumption of potentially gaseous food. I keep Vicks in my purse to rub under my nose to blind the smell for the occasions that I don’t.

Moral of the story: Men fart, women beware.

Note: I love you Daddy & Matty…but seriously guys…point your butts in the opposite direction of where I happen to be located. :)

Everything

I’ll admit that I’ve been lazy, abandoning my little storylines of nonsense, philosophy and philanthropy for carefree and empty thinking. Blank days pass and I’m no where to be found. I’m a captive in my own little world dancing around my dreams and singing melodies in winter’s favorite colors. Life, as cold and lonely as it is right now, is beautiful.

The dark cloud of Christmas has passed and unlike previous years, it has not left my heart is a shambled heap. I found little things to keep the smile bright upon my face melting away the ice like a Care Bear stare. The pixels on a screen as I explore a world of make-believe, singing into a microphone earning five stars in my own rock band, sweet smell of blueberry tea, old black and white photographs zoomed into microscopic detail in Photoshop, 30 days of clarity, my fingerprints on ivory and ebony keys, laughter from watching my cat unwrap his presents, friendships rekindled that never really needed to be relit and the late nights spent getting lost in the sound of that sweet voice in which I’ve grown so accustomed.

Forget the pain; I have so much more to be thankful for this year. There are only 6 days left in 2007 and I intend to cherish each one like a holiday. Every day I have with beauty, peace, friendship, hope and love…IS…a holiday.

Happy Everything People!

Twitterpated

"You're walking along, minding your own business. You're looking neither to the left, nor to the right, when all of a sudden you run smack into a pretty face. Woo-woo! You begin to get weak in the knees. Your head's in a whirl. And then you feel light as a feather, and before you know it, you're walking on air. And then you know what? You're knocked for a loop, and you completely lose your head!"

*Twitterpated*

Special Delivery

A handwritten note on parchment stationary slipped tenderly into a parcel of secrets. A mystery tightly packed in preparation for the trip from the snowy northwest to the sunny southwest. Sealed with a kiss and postage placed I send it on its voyage.

To you…

with love

…from me.

Message from Oregon

Dear California,

The state of Oregon greatly appreciates your visiting our (insert one of the following here)…

A) Lush, Green Forests
B) Clean, Secluded Beaches
C) Snow-Covered Peaks
D) Beautiful, Wild Rivers

…we would greatly appreciate it if you would please memorize the following guidelines designed to make your visit to Oregon that much more pleasant.

1. If you find it difficult to climb into your RV, than you more than likely should not be driving it.
2. Unmarked logging roads and mountain climbing are dangerous in the middle of winter. You are more than likely going to get lost and die.
3. Don’t pick up ANY Real Estate information or visit any Real Estate establishment while you are here. There is no point as we don’t sell homes to Californians anymore.
4. Appreciate the beauty of Oregon in its entire green splendor. It’s green because we don’t litter. You shouldn’t either.

Thank you for taking this opportunity to visit our great state. Now, if you don’t mind, please go back the way you came and take your shitty oranges with you.

Thanks,
Oregon

Invasion of Privacy

Imagine that you are having one of those luxuriously sensual “Herbal Essence” moments. Encased in your shower, you are surrounded in a warm mist blazing the aroma of exotic fruit and floral petals. You run your fingers through your wet hair and as you do you slightly open one eye…

BAM!
A demonic gremlin of the arachnid social order has invaded your most private of sanctuaries.

Yes, this was my morning.

I screamed in fright and as I attempted to flee from the eight-legged menace, I slipped in the shower. My ninja-like reflexes caused me to take the impact on my elbow rather than my naked derrière. It was blow that will more than likely result in a massive bruise to serve as my medal of honor for exhibiting such bravery in the shower.

When I realized that the invader had me cornered I grabbed my epic bottle of shampoo and flung the culprit into the great unknown. Powee Sucka!

I'm too scared to go in that bathroom now.

Sedona Skies

Lying in the bed of your pickup truck staring at the stars and laughing at the elusive moon.

I’ll sing you every song I know as we gaze into the twilight sky. My melodies timed to your heartbeat felt softly upon my cheek.

An innocent moment shared between two fragile hearts.

Beautiful. <3

Anonymous Celebrity

Celibacy. It seems to be glowing in brilliant amber-colored lights on the billboard of my life.

I received a simple phone call this morning from a friend in radio. (Yes, you know who you are.) As my friend, and reader of my blog, he posed the innocent proposition of taking my story live on his afternoon radio show. While I insist that my situation is nothing less than that of a mid-twenty-something female in the world who is just tired of dealing with a slough of men that are the epitome of a personality like Family Guy’s “Quagmire”, I have given him permission to use my story but not to publicize my name or blog.

It is not my individual pursuit but the topic itself that will be the focus of conversation. I hope. My radio personality friend prepared me that there will more than likely be listeners calling in with the regular “it’s because she’s never had a real man like me” comments. I’ve already dealt with those skeptical pigs and am taking this blessed opportunity to declare that it is men like that who make keeping this vow that much easier. My friend has assured me that he would convey that same message. For that, after all, is the fuel behind this burning fire.

Supporters or antagonists there will be in my mission. I guess tomorrow I’ll find out where the city of Eugene stands on the issue. After that, maybe the world?

The only one that it really matters to though is me, and that unknown, my love.

First Kiss?

Me: "I'll consider Arizona, but only if you take me to the Grand Canyon, walk out on the skywalk and share with me the most amazing first kiss."

Impossible. Not so much.

Boy: "I would do that."