Woman's Worth

Normally I use these pretty little pixels and glorious free bandwidth to creatively express the random electronic pulses of my mind. Today I just need to express a quality rant. Please forgive the darkened negativity friends. The sunshine in my smile will more than likely come out tomorrow.

Ladies and gentlemen, well mostly just the gentlemen…

I regret to inform you that inappropriate comments, offers, displays, actions and gestures are not the way to go about entertaining my fancy. While it may seem like a contradictory statement to say I am both a modern feminist and a lady, I will continue stand my ground as I will accept nothing less than to be treated with the respect and dignity I deserve as an established, successful and intelligent female member of the species.

If I have not expressed an independent interest in you or responded in kind to your feeble attempts to catch my attention then it is generally safe to assume that your favor in me is unrequited. In this case it would be most appreciated if said attempts cease to continue.

My intention was not to single out any individual by painting these words so precisely. Please note that if you feel guilty in reading this then you more than likely need to take an extra precaution to your display of actions and vocalizations around me.

I’m not saying that we can’t be friends. I am just saying that is all we will ever be. Push the limit and nothing is what you will end up with.

Thank you.

Autumn Begins

Trading my sunny summer skies for gray clouds, rain and copper colored leaves marks the beginning of autumn as well as a new chapter in my life. While I have to admit that I did not wake up this morning with some amazing blue flash of self-realization I did have a moment of crystalline epiphany while I was trying to gather the inspiration to write this. Unfortunately it faded faster than I could grasp the concept.

As I stared into the twenty-six candles twinkling on my birthday cake I had no realization what this is suppose to mark for me. It’s another year. I’m eighteen with eight years experience. There are some days that the experiences, failures, successes and heartbreaks trapped in the wax of those twenty-five candles makes me feel that there is double the amount of pain staring me in the face. Other days I see those same moments in time and laugh because I know that the sparkle in my eyes and the glow of my smile keeps me young. I have no idea what the future holds and honestly have no care or flurry for the past anymore. I keep dreaming of a place to embrace my “today” and I’ve finally grown strong enough to begin my search.

I’m destined to find the place that has been haunting my dreams, a remodeled 1920’s downtown loft with a charming balcony where I can stare out a dirty bared window at the bustling street below. I’m going to wrap myself in that handmade afghan, its rainbow threads enlaced loosely around my shoulders. Wiggle my toes in my toe socks and giggle at the site of how silly they look as I tuck one foot underneath me. I can already feel the steam from my blueberry tea as it swirls around my long eyelashes. Black and white prints spread out on the dusty wooden floor as I try to make sense of the frenzy that my mind paints through a lens. The soft tinkling from the keys of a piano mixing with the sounds of downtown creating a unique serenade that only I can find the beauty in. This is my paradise. This is peace.

Happy Birthday to me…this year…I’m giving myself the best present of all.

An Unheard Goodbye

There are so many unspoken words I have muffled inside of my heart. I thought that maybe I was healed enough to begin expressing them freely and yet I sit here staring at another empty document with the blinking cursor taunting my every attempt. Fear locks my fingers down and makes them unable to compose the words I want to say. These words I still need to say to you even though I know that you’ll never read them. I wish I could say my peace and tell you exactly what was in my heart. I’m unable to do so as you have left my heart in blackened ashes. That is all that is left from the inferno you started burning when you set our friendship on fire. I want to say I can walk away from you and never wonder. I’ll never stop wondering but I know I am strong enough to walk away. One foot in front of the other I promise you that I won’t look back as all I can offer you now is an unheard goodbye…I’m letting you go.

New England Adventure

I’ve returned from my adventure to the east coast and I must admit it has put my mind into a new perspective sparking a greater appreciation for the beauty of home.

Air travel is something that my body is just not accustomed to and someday when I’m independently wealthy I will custom design my own private jet complete with plush seats, hot tub, champagne service, flat screen TV and surround sound. I’ll even have my portrait painted on the tail like Bob Marley and the Jamaica jets. Until then I’m hopelessly stuck in coach with the screaming babies, overwhelming senior citizen body order, snoring businessmen, gabby “flight mothers” and spending countless hours contorting my body into the most uncomfortable seats known to man. I have found out that it is impossible for me to fall asleep on an airplane.

Thankfully the redeye flight from Oregon to New Jersey went smoothly and arrived almost 20 minutes ahead of schedule. Following our arrival I subjected my sleepless body to three and half exhilarating hours in the lovely Newark Airport. Since I had some extra time there I was able to go out of security, escape from the front doors and catch the feel of New Jersey on my tired face. A view of the New York skyline is what I was greeted with and an outline of the Empire State Building dancing behind the sunrise. A constant flow of people faded the entrance of the airport doors passing one another without any interaction, not a smile or greeting, just a blank stare as they bumped into each other without cause or care. The concrete was pained by discarded trash and worn where it had been exposed to constant foot travel. I could not even catch site of a pansy in a planter. The only sign of life not caught up in the mindless pace of travel was a solitary pigeon. He was much smaller than the pigeons at home but he was my only friendly face. I waved goodbye to him as my plane took off into the sunrise. I’ve decided to name him Percy.

Lake Champlain glistened like some unreal body of water bedecked with magical sailboats and mysterious islands just like those in my fantasy novels as the plane approached Burlington, Vermont. The foothills, or “mountains” as they are called in Vermont, caused a harsh wind sheer and the pilot had to pull up from the first landing attempt and circle the lake a second time before we could touch down. The high wind and chill factor slapped my face the moment I stepped outside. I couldn’t help but compare the environment with that of the southern Oregon coast. The only components missing were the salt in the air and the greenery was dark and rich verses the more vibrant greenery of Oregon.

The first difference I noticed about Vermont was the slow-paced and laid-back lifestyle. I could walk from one end of the city to the other in an hour while it would take the locals I was passing left and right all day. This difference was more obvious in the service as it took 3 hours to check into the hotel room, 20 minutes to get a cup of tea and 45 minutes for a club sandwich. There is no sense of urgency anywhere in that state and I suppose while that leaves them with a stress-free life, it makes a west coaster stressed out and frazzled.

As much as I wish I could say my trip was for pleasure, my purpose on the east coast was to attend an annual meeting of ASLCS (American Society of Legislative Clerks and Secretaries). Entertainment is guaranteed when you get a group of legislative staff together and multiplied when you mix those people from all 50 states as well as Canada, Mexico, England and Ireland. The connections established and friendships formed are something that I’ll never forget. I now have my ASLCS family and an excuse to see the world visiting my new friends. I'll never live this one down but apparently I do talk like a “valley girl” according to my new friends from Alabama, West Virginia, Kentucky and Mississippi. Oh well, I love “all yall’s” anyway.

Fortunately I was able to do a little personal sightseeing while I was away. New England’s most amazing offering is the fabulous Maine lobster. I can now say I’ve experienced it and I’m sorry to Oregon crabbers but nothing tops this crustacean delicacy. <3

The trip home brought me to Atlanta, Georgia where I was greeted with the blast of humid heat the minute I stepped off the plane. Unfortunately or fortunately, not sure which one, I only had enough time to run from one gate to another. The Atlanta skyline is beautiful and I plan on visiting there very soon. Yes, my friends in the south, I blew you all a kiss out the window of the plane as I glanced down and my plane turned to the north. Setting out from Georgia to Portland I had to resist singing on the plane to my Norah Jones CD as I was overwhelmed with inspiration just to be returning home. First step I took outside I filled my lungs with Oregon air and I felt alive again. It’s so good to be home.

***

On another note…

…late at night while the rest of the east coast is sound asleep I listened intently to the sweetest voice left back on the west coast. Falling asleep with the phone in my hand after talking to you, I don’t know how, but you were with me all the time.

I just…trust you.

The Art of a Perfected Fake Smile

Patchwork thoughts have been dancing in my head all morning. I find myself scrambling to make sense of one and then another thought drops by unannounced. I blame music. Every song ignites another emotion, state of mind and causes my thoughts to crash around like the waves of the ocean. I’m left with just enough understanding that my toes are cold and my lips taste of salt air.

I’ve been parading around lately with a mask displaying the art of perfected fake smile. My world has been confusing lately and while I’ve still searching to make sense of it all I can’t help but feel somewhat lost and melancholy. I have my moments of sun break through the clouds that I’ve grown so comfortable with but those are rare and few between.

There are many lessons to learn in life and “how to love” is one of the hardest. One would think with as much pain, suffering, dying and deceit there is in this world that love would be a parallel universe so-to-speak. Something as light and glorious as love would be able to kiss away anything dark and painful within someone’s soul. To love and be loved would be the cure for all turmoil. I guess I live with my head in the clouds because recently I’ve been shown that loving someone, fighting all obstacles and sharing their pain is not enough to save them from hating and destroying themselves in the end. You only break your heart against them.

The few rays of sunshine in my life are my friends. They bring me happiness like a cup of blueberry tea on a foggy Saturday morning. Some of them old and some of them new, they brighten my world and bring a natural smile to my face when I need my perpetual pout broken. I love you…all of you. <3

I did find some comedy today at lunch as I was whisked away to TJ Maxx with a coworker. Somewhere deep inside of me there is this uncanny attraction to outlandish headwear. As I was parading around the store in the oddities that I found I thought to myself, “When I'm an old lady I want a trunk full of crazy hats that I can wear so I never have to worry about how boring my powder white hair is”. Each hat must be as dramatic and as extravagant as my personality.

Tomorrow is another day that will trap me in its whirlwind, or at least the wind in a literal sense. After a long day of Senate session full of joyous executive appointments, radiate in the sarcasm, I will be boarding a plane for Vermont. While this will mark a virginal experience of the east coast I am still uncertain what this will bring me. I’m sure that the green trees of Oregon will beckon me home and I’ll miss the comfort of knowing it will indeed rain tomorrow. One foot in front of the other, I’ll just adorn my fancy cocktail dresses matched with classic heels and set out to see what I can discover.

In other fanciful news, Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson had a brawl. I guess I have a chance. /sigh

Hello World

I guess this is the beginning…

Sitting here starting at this blinking cursor. *Blink* I would love to fantasize that I was sitting in an antique chair full of character with it’s cracked white paint in front of my computer fashioned on a scratched up desk abandoned years ago by some famous librarian. I lean forward as I bring my hands to the keyboard, the tips of my toes barely touching the dusty hardwood floor. My only companion is that of a vanilla candle flickering on the dark plum walls around me. The smell of green tea from the cup next to me steams my senses. Thoughts begin to flow…

* * *

My life is not that carefree.

This is my secret, my escape, my adventure. I won’t make you promises that my thoughts are going to make any sense. I’m not going to answer any questions. I don’t trust you and you don’t know me. It’s as simple as that.

I suggest to those of you who are following along to not pass judgment on me. Everything cannot be taken at face value. I’m obscure at times and tend to speak in riddles. I even confuse myself.

* * *

I’m a butterfly and my path is random. Sometimes I’ll be here and sometimes I won’t. I’ll never really leave. Whether you stay or not…that is up to you.

…I’m ready to begin now.