I Wonder

There is this boy…

…that makes me smile with just the sound of his voice. Each simple articulation making magical butterflies suddenly appear only to collide into each other with such a calamity that it makes me dizzy. Then he laughs and his melodic laughter dissipates each opal wing until the butterflies are swept away with my breath and all that is left is glowing warmth in the place of my heart.

I can’t help but wonder…

Am I alone?

Prison of Ice

It’s staring at me, tracing the contours of my back while it plans its attack. Demonic scarecrow…

Crystalline frost glistened from the neighborhood Halloween decorations as I crunched my way across the frozen grass in my front yard. A symphony of car engines and ice scrappers spiraled into the blue and gold sunrise. Surreal sounds of a late autumn morning haunt me.

Here I am, lost in this prison cell for a year with only my memories echoing like a decade to keep me company. The nail marks on the walls where I’ve struggled for freedom appear shadowed and forgotten. Cobwebs linger between the bars that I so painstakingly reached though when this all was new and I was naïve. My spirit to escape has grown cold and listless. I can’t help but wonder if the locked door I’m staring at will ever open up and welcome me.

The Monotony of Fall

Sometimes I’m here and sometimes I’m not. Words that ring true as somehow my subconscious exhausted all its energy these past few days narrating my life in a forced third-person British accent rather than linking written words together for this dauntless expense of bandwidth.

Listen. A train whistles, bellowing deep as the wheels slice through the orange, yellow and red leaves that have fallen unknowingly upon the tracks. Life appears to be the same.

The monotony of fall…

…working too much, dancing in dark alleyways, counting change to feed the meters, singing in my car, anchored to the desk by homework, wandering around lost, daydreaming in the morning, jumping in piles of leaves, laughing in the rain, falling in love...

...and the story I’m hiding in the commas.

Kaleidoscope of Chaos

It appears to be another melancholy Monday afternoon with two hours to spare before I am released into the rush hour of downtown like a helpless bird tossed from her nest. This weekend was full of endless new emotions and painful old memories. My thoughts have been in a kaleidoscope of chaos as I try to make sense of the events from the last few days.

It has officially been a year since I walked away from a life that would have ended me and still sometimes I lay motionless in my bed haunted by the sound of the Pacific miles away torturing me with its memories. I refuse to go back there. Not anymore. I’m not longer a weakened spirit searching for answers to the past. I know what I want and I’ll settle for nothing less. Now if only I can convince my subconscious and the world around me to just let me heal. I’m walking proudly alone and yet I’m still scared of the shadows on the path.

Being in my darling little hometown again I am greeted around every corner with blast from my past, each individual is a friendly face who does not recognize me for who I am now. Have I really changed that drastically from eight years ago? Am I not still me? I guess not. I have the same ol’paintbrush just now I’m marking my path with a different color I suppose.

The colors swirling around my head and heart appear to be some cryptic code. The faded out pink of one is replaced by a vibrant and bold red of another. Something new brings flush to my cheeks again. While I have let go of our past together his fading color still fights silently with each painful whisper he sends my way. I know you are there, I just don’t care anymore.

Standing back looking at life’s picture in it’s entirety I think the attempt on this new canvas may lead me somewhere that I can finally call happiness. It’s only an outline…but the makings of a masterpiece flicker deep within what one would describe as potential. Let’s see what the paint dances into in the next few months…

***

Note from the Author: While I am taking the option not to discuss direct details of my hectic weekend I will say that anyone who really cares to please keep my father, who suffered a semi-serious injury on Saturday, in their thoughts, prayers or whatever spiritual sentiments you have. Thank you.

Little Butterflies

What is happening to me? I’m so very dizzy…swept off my feet I think. I just don’t know. I can’t locate reality because I’m stuck in the clouds and I can’t see where I’m going. It’s amazing…

We have all the little things in common; you and I, and all the big things are different. Is this doomed…or are we doomed to care for one another.

Only time will tell…

Rain Clouds

Staring out the window of my office, daydreaming again it seems. I’m unconsciously watching the American flag flying in the wind and the State of Oregon flag in its blue and gold dancing in perfect synchronization under it. The Douglas fir trees stand proudly at attention just as they have for decades. Simple maple and oak trees have the kiss of fall in their leaves and soon they will be as blank as the expression on my daydreaming face.

I always find myself melancholy in the fall. I’m not sure if it has to do with the environment changing for another winter, the return of the rain, or the chill I’m greeted with every morning as I push the snooze button and hug into my pillow afraid to face the dark sky. Every autumn it’s the same thing for me. I feel like my spirit is preparing itself for the bitterness of winter.

Everywhere I turned this weekend the constant reminder of fall bellowed into my face. The sound of the football announcer Friday night booming accompanied by the occasional cheer of the crowd, that indescribable smell of fresh rain steaming up from the pavement below my feet, signature pumpkins in various shades of orange adorning the grocery store fronts and copper colored oak and maple leaves stuck to my car window. Autumn is officially here and there is no amount of my whining around that can change it.

The only thing I find myself looking forward to enjoying is the smile of my adorable nephew and the gleam in his beautiful blue eyes as he is taken out to play with the other little spooks and goblins of the night dressed in his cuddly little Halloween costume. My “boo-bear” and his angel mommy will be visiting the end of this month and I can’t wait to have some therapeutic best friend time at our favorite restaurant and secret hiding spots. It is best friends like her that keep one’s mind youthful, smile bright and can heal any broken heart.

There are as many things changing in my life right now that are as dramatic as the changing of the leaves on the trees outside. I’ve discovered that being in a detached phase was good for me. I’m slowly moving down a path towards something new but sharing my building excitement with the world is not something I’m quite ready to do. Maybe soon I’ll be willing to tell, but for now, I'm going to be as mysterious as the dark rain clouds threatening outside. Nobody knows about it but me. *grin*