Spontaneous Randomosity: Sunshine through the clouds...

Friday, April 18, 2008

Sunshine through the clouds...

Oregon is having the worst spring weather in years. My sun-starved skin is pelted with blistering cold, stinging rain and a dreadfully gray cover of clouds. The sun has gone missing.

It seems that unfortunate events in my own life have brought upon the same dark clouds as the Oregon weather billowing into my usually sunny personality. My face is the sky and my tears the rain. I can’t seem to escape these old dreadful memories.

My privacy is important to me here so I will spare the details of my week of pain and desperation. I will just say that a black pit of despair intertwined with spiders, spines of steel and an ongoing Weird Al ambiance seemed like a better alternative.

Today it seemed a golden ray of God’s beautiful sunshine broke through the barriers of my thick gray clouds. There are beautiful people on earth. Someone does care and love me no matter what my past entails. A man, an amazing man, loves me for me. He’s genuine, sincere and not out to use my sensitive heart and emotions for his own benefit. This man will never raise his voice in anger at me, his hand will never strike me and his words will never betray me. I can’t help but sit here in total awe and wonder…is this for real? I feel like I’m dreaming.

After a terrible week my boyfriend (can’t believe he’s MY boyfriend…he’s too wonderful to be MY boyfriend) sent me the most beautiful arrangement of stargazer lilies in a huge wine glass vase coupled with a heart-shaped “I love you” balloon and the sweetest sentimental note. He claims that he just wanted to make me feel better about myself after having an emotionally trying week. He’s not only succeeded in painting a huge smile on my face but he’s also shown me, once again, that there really is the urban Renaissance man out there! I’ve finally found and fallen in love with him…and the beauty of it all is that he loves me back.

He really is my sunshine…and the only one who can pierce though my dark-clouded days. I love him even more for being the only one capable of doing that. I can’t thank him enough…for him.

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I'm the kinda girl that bursts out laughing in dead silence because of something that happened yesterday. I'm easily amused. I may come off composed and ladylike at first but once I know you, I can be a bit on the crazy side. I just like to have fun. I could talk it up for hours. I'm open to anything you tell me. I'm open to new ideas, trying new and different things. I have blonde moments sometimes yes. But life would be boring without them dontcha think? Oh, and I can be pretty random. I tend to point out the obvious sometimes.

I'm the kinda girl that patiently waits for things that never come by. I'm the type that spends too much time thinking about things that will never happen. I don't like to give up until I achieve whatever it is I was trying not to give up on. I'm a lucid dreamer. Sometimes I daydream. Once I fall for something, I end up in a hole that's hard for me to get out of. But I manage to get by.

I'm the kinda girl that dreams of everything and anything. I like to imagine new and different things. I like to envision the unthinkable. I was the little girl who didn't know about the real world. I would want to believe somebody when they say that they love you and they only want to make you happy. But honestly sometimes they don't. I would pretend to myself that what I want would come true. I would ignore the things that have gone wrong in life and instead picture what good will happen in the future. I would only think of the good times, almost washing away the troubles I've had. The dreamer inside of me would take over and all I'd need to survive are dreams, because sometimes dreams seem a lot more real to us than reality. Sometimes I'm like, "*beep* reality."

I'm the kinda girl that looks for love in all the wrong places or in all the wrong people, leaving myself so lost and colder than I ever was. I used to believe that love was a lost cause and that I was too broken to experience it in all the beauty that it glows. I was wrong...thank you so much...that I was wrong. I'm in love and he's more than I could ever dream.

I'm the kinda girl that can be confusing and complicated. I confuse myself sometimes. Like with trust. Sometimes I trust easily but then I feel like I need to be less trusting. It leads me to not trusting enough, and making me feel judgmental at times but I accept things the way they are. I can be judgmental in my thoughts, and I bet everyone is. Even a little? But then again I accept people for who they are, for their good points and bad flaws.

I'm the kinda girl that is honest but I don't always express my opinion. I'm more open to other’s opinions than of my own. This makes me pretty indecisive sometimes. I listen to others more so than myself sometimes. And when I try to listen to myself my opinions don't even work or ever seem to matter.

I'm the kinda girl that wears her heart on her sleeve. Why hide it under fake smiles? I can be overdramatic. But I don't like starting drama. I dunno I guess I like attention. But doesn't everybody like being noticed? I like being different. I like standing out. I hate sameness. It bores me. I get bored easily. You know that’s just me I guess.

I'm the kinda girl that gives second chances. ...Depends on the situation. I forgive and try not to forget. I like to move forward in life. Sometimes I regret but overall I know that without the choices I make I wouldn't be who I am today.

I'm the kinda girl that constantly makes mistakes and having it shoved in my face. I don't like bringing up mistakes in the past but you know what, everyone makes them. That’s life. Mistakes don't make you look stupid; they just prove that you like taking chances. So don't try to bring me down by bringing dumb *beep* back up. That was then, this is now. Now is a whole lot different from then. Get over it…because it doesn't really matter. Life gets that much harder and it makes you a whole lot stronger. So never let your outtakes take you out; use it to take you forward.