Monday, October 8, 2007

Kaleidoscope of Chaos

It appears to be another melancholy Monday afternoon with two hours to spare before I am released into the rush hour of downtown like a helpless bird tossed from her nest. This weekend was full of endless new emotions and painful old memories. My thoughts have been in a kaleidoscope of chaos as I try to make sense of the events from the last few days.

It has officially been a year since I walked away from a life that would have ended me and still sometimes I lay motionless in my bed haunted by the sound of the Pacific miles away torturing me with its memories. I refuse to go back there. Not anymore. I’m not longer a weakened spirit searching for answers to the past. I know what I want and I’ll settle for nothing less. Now if only I can convince my subconscious and the world around me to just let me heal. I’m walking proudly alone and yet I’m still scared of the shadows on the path.

Being in my darling little hometown again I am greeted around every corner with blast from my past, each individual is a friendly face who does not recognize me for who I am now. Have I really changed that drastically from eight years ago? Am I not still me? I guess not. I have the same ol’paintbrush just now I’m marking my path with a different color I suppose.

The colors swirling around my head and heart appear to be some cryptic code. The faded out pink of one is replaced by a vibrant and bold red of another. Something new brings flush to my cheeks again. While I have let go of our past together his fading color still fights silently with each painful whisper he sends my way. I know you are there, I just don’t care anymore.

Standing back looking at life’s picture in it’s entirety I think the attempt on this new canvas may lead me somewhere that I can finally call happiness. It’s only an outline…but the makings of a masterpiece flicker deep within what one would describe as potential. Let’s see what the paint dances into in the next few months…


Note from the Author: While I am taking the option not to discuss direct details of my hectic weekend I will say that anyone who really cares to please keep my father, who suffered a semi-serious injury on Saturday, in their thoughts, prayers or whatever spiritual sentiments you have. Thank you.

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