Thursday, November 29, 2007

Silence is Ticking

Sometimes I feel like my candle has blown out and I’m searching around in the dark for a match just to get it going again. The flame is temporary and yet somehow it has this magnetic appeal that I’m swept into like a moth burning my precious wings. Then, usually without warning, the flame extinguishes and I’m alone in the dark again. Lost.

I refuse to tout gender generalizations or place blame on anyone here. That is not my purpose. What I’ve discovered is a simple, negative self-realization that I’m determined to defeat. I have no idea what love is anymore. My vision is clouded by physical eroticism blocking that ever-so important emotional and mental bond to form. I’m a serial “sexcapader” or so it seems.

Call it a vow, pledge, oath or promise; it is what it is. The clock started silently ticking the moment I undertook this task. Voluntary celibacy.

It’s too easy these days to be what I used to call myself, a “free-loving-spirit”. There is no such thing in modern society as courting, dating or romance. Nothing is done with any formalized tradition. I’ve not become a prude by any means. I just simply refuse to associate myself or waste my precious time with another male who does not respect me enough to build a solid foundation of friendship, trust, respect and love before sharing with me the intimacies of the flesh.

My lack in posting an explanation earlier can be attributed to my detailed preparation in how to mentally deal with the skeptics. I’ve accepted that there are going to be the people who think I’m doing this simply because I’ve hit a “dry spell” so-to-speak, those who think I’ve lost my bloody mind, others who have taken up a pool to see when I’ll finally crack and then those who find it a complete waste of talent. While I salute everyone in forming a preemptive judgment against me, this pledge is between me and my ever broken heart.

So here I am again, alone in the dark without a flame. I’m no longer looking for matches. I’m search for something brighter. Love.

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